Well, I think Richmond has officially severed me from itself. I can no longer access my SpiderMail account, which is somewhat annoying since I’ve been keeping in touch with a few of my old professors that way.

I am feeling awfully anxious and melancholy today. I need a lot of things: money to pay my debts, a college to call my own, a definite date for Rob’s formal and most importanly, summer time. These things cannot come soon enough.

Sometimes I wonder why I bother reaching out to people when they don’t even want to humor me. I am naive for thinking all individuals desire my company. I’m tired of having fair-weather friends.

I went to see the Goo Goo Dolls and Ben Folds in concert this past weekend at Bucknell and Muhlenberg, respectively. Yea, it was fun. Besides that, I have very little to talk about. This week has been work at AE, transfer applications, calling colleges, and feeling generally unnoticed and alone.

Oh, and the Dave Matthews Band summer tour dates came out yesterday. They’re horrible and I am so mad at Dave right now. Not that it matters, I wouldn’t have had enough money to go to multiple concerts anyway.

Ugh.

I’ve been in an odd mood lately.

Maybe it’s my family, the cold and wintry weather, applying to college for the third time, or going no where fast– I don’t know. I almost regret leaving Richmond. Maybe I didn’t try hard enough, maybe I wasn’t open enough. Perhaps I wanted and expected too much. It could just be that I’m high maintenance. Being here makes me want to rethink every single decision I’ve made since last year. I am suffocating.

I miss Rob already. Although I’ll be going to Bucknell this weekend to visit him, it didn’t make his departure any easier. He makes me want to wake up in the morning and he gives me the motivation to get through the day. I always feel somewhat lost without him around, as if I am somewhat emptier. Rob makes me believe that there are still good, honest, caring people out there– and that love can transcend time and overcome distance. The summer will be wonderful, I know it. We need to take a long vacation together.

I realized earlier this evening that it has been ages since I’ve written anything. Most of the following is just catch up material and an anxiety induced rant.

1. I accidentally backed up into the car of a girl I knew from high school.
2. Heather and Claire slept over my house last week, and it was good to see them again. We went to Stew’s, the Danbury Mall and had lunch at Kathleen’s Tea Room in Peekskill. The previous weekend, we had taken a train down to New York City, visited the American Museum of Natural History and had dinner on Colombus. It was lovely.
3. Rob came home for his spring break this week. I have never been so happy to see him.
4. There has been a great deal of tension in my family– never this much in my entire life. It makes me regret being home and not going off to DC for school. Once the summer rolls around it will be easier since Rob will be home and I won’t miss him as much.
5. My grandmother had a triple bi-pass today. She’s fine, just recovering. I don’t know if Rob and I will be able to visit my grandparents in May liked I had wanted.
6. I am in the process of applying to schools. The list is: Gettysburg College, Haverford College, and Bucknell University. Hopefully this semester will bring me better fortune. I cannot possibly comprehend any alternative.

I hate how people like to pawn themselves off as my friends and then only talk to me when it’s convenient for them. I mean, the last time I talked to Sarah or Shumon, they were asking me for rides to Bucknell for the Goo Goo Dolls concert. They wanted me to go completely out of my way to satisfy their needs. I just don’t understand why Sarah couldn’t call me last week– I found out from my aunt yesterday that she was home for spring break. I’m rotting away at home and she doesn’t even think to call to catch up. If I actually knew before hand that she was going to be home, I would have tried to hang out, etc. But no one seems to give a damn about where I am right now. I am so fed up with their inability to care and their ability to fake a smile when they see me. I hate the formalities and the unnecessary hugs. The pretentious “Oh, how are you?”s and small bits of plastic reassurance. The exclusions from certain outings and secret gatherings that I only learn about later. I just want someone to tell me the truth– that I am disposable, unwanted and unneeded. I’d rather someone get it out in the open than pretending that I am actually missed.

I started my job at American Eagle today. And although I am only getting paid minimum wage, it feels wonderful being productive. There is nothing worse than living a completely stagnant life. My co-workers seem very nice, and it is easy to keep busy in the store.

This week is going to be somewhat busy. I need to get to the library tomorrow and begin working on my research paper. I also have a bit of reading to do and a take-home quiz to finish before class on Tuesday. And of course, I always have to think about transfer applications: calling Bucknell and Gettysburg, and sending out transcript requests/forms to Richmond. Joy.

Heather and Claire, two of the very few “friends” I had at Richmond, are coming to New York for their spring break this weekend and we have big plans. We want to go into the City for a day, make a run to Stew’s for frozen yogurt, have a sleepover complete with girly movies, and a massive shopping trip. I’m glad they’re visiting, I miss being around real people– as opposed to my family. The week after that, Rob will be home for his spring break and I am so excited to see him.

I’m in the mood for summer– for Dave Matthews Band concerts, later sunsets, Rita’s Real Italian Ice, warm days, tank tops and sandals, trips to West Virginia, eating outdoors, taking walks. Only a few more months. I can hardly wait.

“How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on, when in your heart, you begin to understand, there is no going back? There are some things that time cannot mend. Some hurts that go too deep– that have taken hold.”

I wish I had something to write about, something inspiring or heartfelt. But I don’t– I have nothing.

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear; and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

–e.e. cummings

Grey’s Anatomy is what I fall back on when the world won’t stop spinning or when I feel sad, mopey and empty. It’s perfect for those days when hiding in bed seems like the best option, hiding from the rest of the world. Each character has a special personality I can connect with– although most moments I feel like Meredith: scary and damaged. Luckily, there is just enough humor in the show to make me laugh, but not so much that it becomes annoying. I need to focus on other people’s drama and loneliness for a while.

I’m so tired of being home, I need to go back to college. Actually, I need to start applying again. Damn it. Please excuse this entry, I have been sick the past three days and I am doped up on cold medicine.

I miss the lovely blues and greens of spring. The starkness of winter depresses me.

While lying in bed the other night, I decided that before I die, I’d like to climb a mountain– possibly in the Rockies or the Alps. Someplace, somewhere. I am so allured by the thought of conquering a large land mass and the forces of Nature.

Last weekend, I visited my boyfriend, Rob, at Bucknell University. The time we spent together was beautiful, and I missed it so. Most of our weekend consisted of hanging around the dorm and attending various dry activities on campus. I wish I had friends like his while at Richmond; I wouldn’t have left if I did. Few college students seem to understand the value of sobriety anymore and it’s discouraging.

It probably sounds weird, but I liked observing Rob in different situations, the way he acts, and the way he speaks. I like to watch him be a guy and talk about sports, I like watching him do his homework, I like seeing him interact with new people and people I do not know. He’s the most engaging individual I have ever met and I always love the moments I experience and share with him.

For the last three days, I have been living on various kinds of tea and whatever I can find in my family’s kitchen. My existence is very sad. Though interestingly enough, tea has the ability to make me feel joyful and absolutely careless. Curious, n’est pas?

I started class last night. It felt odd attending a college course in my high school. When I walked into the room, I couldn’t shake a feeling of awkwardness, as I inspected my classmates. Most of the people there were alumni of my high school, many of which wouldn’t have recognized me. But I recognized them. My professor is a young man, no older than 32. Wearing jeans and New Balance sneakers, he started class by saying, “Alright, ladies and gentlemen, let’s learn!” I noticed that his voice tended to jump an octave when he became excited. That happened a lot over the course of three hours and ten minutes. As a whole, the event was completely surreal, as if I had regressed in age and was sixteen again.

Many of my personal issues stem from taking things personally, holding grudges, and not letting go. I wish I knew psychology. I wish I could figure out why the human mind works a certain way. Perhaps this is a classic ‘Nature v. Nurture’ discussion. Can an individual be inclined to act a specific way based on one or the other? Or is a personality created through the interaction of both components? Just asking.